Cry- Rihanna
So this song, made me start thinking about a lot. About past relationships and shit. So… yeah. Here goes:
Breakups- Breakups were really never too hard on me. I guess I never took any of my relationships seriously. And the first time I actually do, it blows up in my face. It’s my fault so it’s fine, I don’t have any animosity towards you. In my past relationships, I had said that they broke my heart, but I think it was just me- not really knowing what a broken heart felt like. In my past “serious” or long relationships, I was cheated on, in every single one of them. I used to say that they all took a turn in breaking a piece of my heart, and I loved M.F with what I had left of it, but the truth is I’ve never felt a break-up like this. This is far worse than being lied to in the past and being cheated on in the past. Of course, those things are terrible, but at the time I was more mad than I was sad. So I didn’t spend my nights crying, I spent them angry. This is a different type of pain. The pain I felt in the past was just full of anger. Those boys changed me, to be what I was with you. I said I loved you with what I had left of my heart, but in reality, I loved you with my whole heart. No, not my whole heart, because my grandfather took a part with him, but those other boys, who cheated and lied, they didn’t. I never loved them enough for them to take a part of my heart with them when we went out separate ways. But you, you’re different. I would give anything to have you back, but you said not to force anything. So I wont. I’m going to let life happen, how its supposed to. Maybe I didn’t show it enough, but I loved you more than I loved myself. Especially now, I despise myself more than anything. In english one of the questions we had to answer was one thing we feel guilty about. My answer was “I feel guilty about maybe not keeping my eyes open and being aware of his problems. If I focused more on him and trying to keep him happy, maybe we’d still be together”. & Chuggins wrote a little comment on it. It says “Dont blame yourself for for others actions”. I don’t talk to anyone about this because I know that they’re just all going to tell me the same thing, “Dont blame yourself” “You’re young, you have you’re whole life to live and meet other guys” But I’m not thinking about my life in the future, I’m thinking about the life I’m living now, and I will forever blame myself. I don’t want to start over with someone else. I was perfectly happy with who I had. Even through the bad times. And if he’s going to move on, then so be it. Like I said before I’m not going to force anything, but I don’t have to. He can continue to live his life with real smiles and laughter, and I’ll continue to fake them in public.
Sad, I know. But thats the reality of my reality.
